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Angels of Hope and Freedom: Domestic Violence Resources

Katrina's Story
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In Memoriam

Daisy, Spinning

 

No one ever realized what I was going through.  I kept hoping for some type of “miracle” that David would become the man who was kind and compassionate when I met him…not the monster that later surfaced

 

There was a mix of good times, love, and hope along with verbal/emotional abuse, manipulation, intimidation, and fear.  I actually “taught” him that the behavior was acceptable and enabled it by forgiving over and over again.  He was able to control and hide that side of him with his peers and all of those around him, but for me, who loved him, I was not important enough for him to exercise control, compassion, patience, and kindness.

 

My marriage was very lonely.  David and I haven’t slept in the same bed in over two years due to excuse of my “snoring” which reminded him of his mother dying of cancer 20 years ago.  He would work late hours, coming back home in the early morning or not even coming back at all.  After arguments, he would leave and not tell me where he was going and not come back until the next day.  This leads me to believe that he is or was having an affair.  David refused sexual relations/intimacy with me.  The excuse would be that he could not be with me if he could not stand me.

 

He would “punish” me by taking away things he gave me or take his wedding band off and throw it at me and not wear it for months.  For my anniversary gift (2001), he put his band on that day.  It was off again after our next fight.

 

There was an incident that I had talked to friends about our fighting.  The next argument we had, he took all the phones out of the house after a fight and ripped one out of the kitchen wall so I would not be able to call anyone.

 

I also had the financial burden of paying all the bills and supporting both of us.  He never contributed and failed to provide income to support our home and family.  David was unable to manage finances.  It seemed that he was willing to gambling away our household fund to support his personal business.  Examples are is closing a joint savings account, which consisted of wedding gifts to pay for his business, giving him money out of my checking account to pay for legal fees for his business.  I’m not sure if the money actually went to where he said it would.

 

The First Time...

We went to Niagara Falls, Canada with friends.  This is the first time David ever raised his voice at me.  He was angry that we did not think of doing what he wanted to do on vacation.  Also, the fact of being there gave him bad memories as a child.  He stormed off angry and disappeared for hours.  My friends and I drove around looking for him.  Found him and I got out of the car.  I tried talking to him and he gave me the silent treatment as if I wasn’t there and I walked behind him the whole way back to the hotel, about 2 miles.  The next day, we were in a restaurant at the hotel.  He got angry at the conversation we were having and starting yelling that people were looking at us.  I was so embarrassed.  He then got up and left enraged where he shoved the doors of the hotel entrance that it slammed against the walls.  People asked me if I was all right.  I was stunned and embarrassed as I sat there by myself.

 

Jealousy...

We were at a wedding and I saw an exboyfriend’s friend there.  I said “hello” to him.  David was infuriated and disappeared.  I was extremely embarrassed and found him the lobby pissed off.  He said I ignored him and made him mad that I was “conversing with the friend”.  We went home, as I also had friend staying over the night, they came with us.  Things got heated once we got back.  I got so angry that I started to throw his belongings out of the house.  I wanted him out.  One item was an expensive touch panel that was in a box.  David grabbed and shoved me so hard that I fell backwards and hit my head on the tile floor.  I blacked out for a moment.  I started crying on the floor once I came to.  All I remember is that my friend's boyfriend tackled him and David was ranting about starting a fight with him.  He was saying, “Go Ahead, Do it”.  David eventually left.  He started calling me a few times but I hung up or did not even answer the phone.  The next day I called out of work and called my brother to bring me some ice packs.  I had a bump on my head and a very sore neck.  Later on, David claimed to have seen a priest for counseling and wrote me letters at the time.  He said he was so sorry and upset with himself that he did that to me.  We did get back together after he promised that it would never happen again.

 

Manipulation...

While driving in the car, David and I get into an argument about what his sister told me about his past relationships.  I had asked him about what she had said to me.  He said, “You believe what she said?  She’s trying to ruin our relationship”.  “I cant believe that you would @#$%^&* believe her over me,” We get home and he called his sister up on the phone cursing at her.  Once he got off the phone, he continued to yell and curse at me for believing her and doubting him.  He was mad that he punched two holes in the wall next to the stairs to the bedroom.

 

Controlling...

David returned from a business trip.  Before he left, he arranged to help my father put up his satellite dish.  It was raining and I asked David to give my father a call to let him know he was not coming.  David was angry and irritable and said he was too tired to talk to him.  I said that it really was not right that he could not even give him a courtesy call.  The phone rang and it was my dad.  I handed the cordless phone to David and said my dad wanted to speak to him.  He gave me such a glare that went right through me.  I told my father that David did not want to talk right now and was not coming.  Once I hung up, David started to raise his voice at me.  I proceeded upstairs to the bedroom and he followed me.  “What did I tell you?  Don’t you listen?  Are you that @#$%^&* stupid to understand me?  “ I didn’t want to fight and I tried to ignore him.  I started vacuuming.  He grabbed the vacuum from me and threw it down the stairs.  “Pay attention to me when I’m speaking to you!”  He kept on badgering, yelling and cursing for trying to hand the phone to him when he didn’t want to talk to anyone.”  What did I tell you?  Why couldn’t you tell him that I was tired…why couldn’t you think about your husband for once.  Are you that @#$%^&*   stupid?”  The next thing I knew he took the cordless phone and threw it in my direction.  I ducked and flinched.  It hit the wall behind me.  Pieces flew around the room and the phone went right through the wall.

 

Name calling...

When I was about five months pregnant, my brother was Instant Messaging me on the computer.  David was writing back as if it was me.  I told him to stop doing that.  He didn’t.  He thought it was funny.  I asked him again to stop.  He just kept on doing it.  I went to the computer to tell my brother that it was David and not me.  David was outraged and called me an “a*****e”.  “Why are you continually trying to embarrass me?  You’re such a  @#$%^&*  asshole.  You always do this to make me look bad” He flung the coffee cup sitting on the kitchen table.  It went all over the ceiling and cabinets.  Then he took a chair and raised it over me.  I really thought he was going to hit me with it.  I closed my eyes as David smashed the chair on the floor next to me and it broke into pieces.  What was left remaining in his hands he threw it across the kitchen and denting the refrigerator door then threw the remains down the stairs.  He went upstairs to the bedroom and leaving me standing alone.  I proceeded to clean up the mess by myself.  The next day, I was trying to fix the chair.  He saw me but did not say a word.  Later on that week, the chair was gone from the house.

 

Living with my sister since Jason was born (April 2001). We were living with her because our home was under construction.  David and I fought constantly about my parents.  They loaned us money for our renovations and helped him build up his business in 1997.  My parents drew up a note to owe back all the money they lent us.  David believed that he was lied to and disrespected.  He believed that they did this out of the kindness of their hearts and he was fooled by them this whole time.  It was a lie.  He said they should have asked for it all along.  This incident escalated the abuse.  He started threatening to kill me, kill my parents, and ruin them financially by calling the IRS on them.  I was also financially supporting us even before we were married.  We would get into fights because I would ask him when he would bring home a paycheck and it wasn’t fair to expect me to pay for everything especially since now we have a child and I could only work part time.  He would tell me that I’m not doing my share since I stay at home all day since I had the baby. David always said he “wanted out” when things were not going his way.  I would endure hours at a time of being “scolded like a little child” for things I did to piss him off.  Everyday I was walking on eggshells to make sure I didn’t say anything wrong to set him off or do anything without his permission.  He said my parents lost their rights as grandparents because of what they have done to us and I was not allowed to bring Jason to see them.  They were to ask permission to give Jason any gifts and should be told what they are before Jason is allowed to have them.  If he disapproves of what they are, they are to be given back.  I disagreed with it and told David he was wrong in doing that.  He said that he is the father and what he say, goes.  Almost everyday was some type of argument that it got to the point where I just sat there without any rebuttal.  Not knowing my sister overheard some of the arguments.  I became too scared to do anything.  Fearing for my life and my son. Fearing that David would make good on his threats.  I hid a tape recorder to tape the “yelling and threats” in case I ended up dead.  David always reminded me that no one would believe me and if I told anyone, he would deny it and people would think I’m crazy.  I felt that if anything should happen to me, someone would find those tapes and know the truth of what I’m going through.

 

Isolation...

I was wearing a bracelet my mother had bought me the week before.  David was extremely angry and said that my parents “buy” me and he will not allow Jason to be “bought”.  This is the day David said that Jason is not to receive any gifts unless it's cleared with him first and if it's not up to his standards he is not to have it and it will be returned.  I told him to tell my sister that and he called her into the bedroom to discuss this with us.  He said that my parents are “evil’ people and he doesn’t want Jason around them.  My sister responded that he is “punishing” Jason and the one who would get hurt is Jason.  David was ranting about how my parents disrespected him and never “thanked” him for doing things for them over the years.

He told me that day, if I did not get pregnant, he would have left a long time ago.  The only thing that keeps him around is Jason, not me.

 

Insults...

We were on the way to his aunt/uncles anniversary party in NY.  He was angry that my family, including my parents was attending.  I told David that what happened between him and my parents have nothing to do with his aunt and uncle.  For the entire ride, about 1 , I had to endure his insults about my parents, the house, and me.  David said that they lost their rights as grandparents and they are not allowed to see our son.  He does not want our son be around “evil” people.  Once we got there, he was so angry that he said he wanted out of this marriage.  He said he would move away to California with our son and if I wanted to go, that’s my decision to make.  He said he would take Jason away from me.  I said, “No you wont”.  He got into my face and said in a low “If you try to stop me, I’ll @#$%^&*  kill you.  I’m not joking around.  I mean it”” And if you say a word about this to anyone, I’ll deny it, no one would ever believe you” I said “what makes you think that I don’t have you taped saying this to me?”  He started freaking out, looking into my bag and the diaper bag “Where is it, where is it” I said “wouldn’t you like to know” As I got out of the car and my parents just arrived.  This day I decided that I would need to tape him threatening me in case I ended up dead.  I had to pretend and put up a front that everything was “fine” at this party with all of the relatives.  I was upset and afraid.  The following week I went to the Battered Women’s shelter.  I was so scared that David would kill me.  I spoke to a counselor that day and reported the incident.  This was the first time that I realized that I might be being abused.

 

More manipulation...

David called me down to his office because he had something he wanted to tell me.  I decided to record the conversation.  I didn’t know it was going to be a two hour session of how he is going to destroy my parents financially.  He was so elated that when he thinks by calling the IRS…they would be out of his life.  Then how he was going to move out of state to get away from them and I can decide for myself whether I was going with him or not but he insisted that he will take Jason with him.  I tried to get into the conversation and he blamed me for everything that went wrong in our marriage, twists my words around, and used pressure tactics to rush me into making a decision to answer him.  I ended up agreeing with him to pacify the situation so I could go home.

 

Threats...

David started the morning arguing with me about my parents and our unfinished house.

He said, “ I want out.  I can't take this @#$%.  I refuse to live this way anymore”

I told him “I want a divorce”

He said “what about Jason?”

I said, “Let the courts decide”

He said “you’re going to let the courts decide what happens…then I will have to kill you now.  You wont take my son away from me" Say goodbye to your son”

I had Jason in my hands and putting him down in his Ultra saucer walker.  David grabbed my arms and shoved me hard and I fell to the floor.  At this time, I was holding onto the toy bar of the walker and it snapped off in my hands.  I got up and David was in front of me and shoved me again.  This time I hit the couch on my back.  David got on top of me and trying to strangle me.  Over and over again he was saying, “I have to kill you, I have to kill you”.  I tried kicking him in the genitals to get him off me.  I screamed “Get off, get off, Stop” He got up off of me and started looking around the foyer and found a pair of scissors and said “ I have to kill you, I have to kill you, You’re going to take my son away from me, He’s all I got, I have to kill you” He came after me with the scissors as if he was going to stab me. I begged to him “ Please stop, please stop” He was crazed like a mad dog, saliva coming out of his mouth.  He fell down to his knees and said “Mom, please help me” and started crying.  I was crying hysterically, coughing, hyperventilating, shaking, terrified that this happened.  I was petrified and scared.  Jason was crying in the walker and I picked him up and held him.  My left arm and my left leg were throbbing.  I had trouble walking.  My neck was sore and I was trying to catch my breath.  David said, “Why did you kill me?”  I was confused.  Later on, he said to me “whom are you going to tell?”  He would not leave the house all day.  I felt I was a prisoner and was afraid to do anything.  My sister came home and then he left.  He did not come back that night and I didn’t even tell my sister what happened.  The next day I saw the bruise on my arm, leg and neck. My neck was actually swollen that morning that I had trouble moving my head.

 

 

Silvie, Jason's godmother, offered to watch Jason for me while I went to work. David wanted to work on the house and could not watch him. I came back from work to pick up Jason and my truck would not start. I called David twice…the first time I got the voice mail …the second time I got him on the phone. He said “WHAT?”I told him the truck would not start and I needed to get Jason home because he was hungry and needed to feed him. David said “ Yeah, so you want me to drop what I’m doing? Don’t you understand that the masonry work I’m doing, you can’t just leave it? I was devastated and embarrassed. I could not believe my husband would not come and get us or even suggest to help me out. I ended up asking Silvie's husband, John, to drive us home and I left my truck at their house.  David made no attempts to make arrangements to get Jason, and I home and left it up to me to do it. Once I was home, David arrived an hour later. I asked him why he didn’t come or suggest he will come later? All he had to say, “You were safe, you were at Silvie's house, its not like you were stranded on the parkway or anything. Don’t you know I hurt my back trying to fix up that stupid house?” He acted like he had no concern for his son or me.

 

Continued isolation...

David discouraged me from having any contact with his side of the family.

We had another argument because I told him some facts I learned about from his family members and I questioned him about them. He ordered me not to speak to any of his family members again. He cursed at me for listening to “rumors” and forbid me to talk to them ever again. His sister, Tina called me, and David got home early from work. I told him it was Tina. “Get off the @#$%^&* phone, what did I tell you?” He grabbed the phone out of my hands and started yelling, telling his sister that I am not allowed to speak to her ever again.

 

More threats...

David started to argue again about my parents and the house.  He yelled,” What the @#$% is your problem?” He said “ I want you out of my life” life and slammed the door when he left the bedroom. He then rushed back in, got into my face said to me “if you try to take my son away from me, I’ll kill you” then he spit on me. I got up and decided to go to the police and file a complaint. I started to get dressed and he asked where I was going. I said it was none of his business. He kept on asking me and following me around. He said, “ I want to know where you’re going!” David said, “If you go to the Johnson's there will be hell to pay. Do you hear me?” He wouldn’t leave me by myself and said he was going to watch me because he didn’t trust me. I left and went straight to the police. I filed a complaint and let them know about the tapes, the threats and the abuse. They wanted to pick him up that afternoon, I told them please don’t, I just wanted to file a complaint so if something happens again, it wouldn’t be considered the first incident. They gave me the information of a temporary restraining order but I refused. I didn’t want David to know that I was doing this and was afraid of what he would do if he found out.

 

The Final Straw...

That morning David asked me what I was doing today. I told him nothing. Not going anywhere. My sister was home. I had an appointment with a counselor at 1:30pm. I did not tell David. He hung around the house for a few hours. Then he asked me when I made the appointment with this so-called counselor and if he really existed? I told him “actually I’m going today” He yelled “ why did you lie to mean?” I said “I didn’t want to tell you, you really don’t seem to give a shit about going so I wanted to go myself”

We went into the bedroom, I sat on the bed and he slammed the door behind him. He said “ When were you going to tell me about this? What about Jason?” I said “why is it ok for you not to tell me where you’re going? As for Jason, I asked my sister to watch him while I went” David said “ When it pertains to my son, you are supposed to ask me first if its ok with who watches him...you didn’t even give me the opportunity to ok this”

“If you lie about this, what else have you lied about? Going to see your parents with Jason behind my back? “

“If I ever catch you lying to me ever again, I told you what I would do 2 months ago, Its not a threat, It’s a warning!”” And you’ll lose your son”

While this was going on, I hear a knock on the door. Two police officers were there. My sister had called 911 to have him removed because she told them that he was threatening me and would not let me leave the house. I was so scared because one of the officers was the one I saw the week before. “He’s going to kill me if he finds out about those tapes” I said. I didn’t know what to do…I was afraid. That day I decided to take the temporary restraining order because I wasn’t sure what David would do.

 

I can no longer be married to David. I have been enduring many years of a domineering spouse who lies, manipulates and controls me. He has not fulfilled his role as a husband, father or supporter. He had not financially contributed to the household income. He has a very bad temper, which cannot be controlled. I believe that he is emotionally unstable due to the behavior that he engages in. I have been living in a marriage full of embarrassment, humiliation, verbal abuse (offensive language), lack of affection (refusal of sexual intercourse) and fear.

 

What he does:

Raises his voice at me

Curses at me  “bitch””asshole”” @#$% you”

Blames me for our marriage problems and It’s my fault

Makes me afraid by his looks

Isolates me from my family and his family…did not spend holidays this year with my family because he felt that we did enough with them and we are our “own family”

Feels he is entitled and demands “respect” and if he feels disrespected, he will make me pay for it

Demands me to change to meet his expectations

Gives me the silent treatment

Ignores me

Brings up past mistakes and incidents

Justifies his behavior

Orders me to do things

Accuses/blames me for problems: not keeping my marriage vows (forsaking all others)

Threatens me:

“If you do anything to take my son away from me, I will kill you (parents)”

“I will destroy your parents financially”

“I feel like putting my fists into your skull”

“You are an unfit mother because you are so childish”

“I want out and I want a divorce and I’m taking my son with me”

“ You haven’t been a wife to me”

“You choose your family over me”

“You never put me first”

“Its your fault”

“I react this way because of what you did”

“You’re taking their side and not mine”

“You, me and Jason are your family not them”

Demands to be respected

“If the company makes any money, Jason is getting everything not you”

“Why am I busting my ass on this facota house and my name is not even on the deed?”

“I’ll kill anyone who gets in my way”(of me and my son)